Tiger Wood’s is not the only one who desires help!

Article written by Nekisha-Michelle Bakre, MSW

 Jesse James, Gospel singer’s Tye Tribitt and J. Moss, Detroit’s former mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, NBA star’s Michael Jordan and Kobe Bryant, former President Bill Clinton, former presidential candidates John McCain and John Edwards, former mayor of NYC, Rudy Giuliani, business tycoon, Donald Trump, actor Morgan Freeman and the maestro of directing, James Cameron. What do all these high profile men have in common? They have, at some point, forgotten their marriage vows and indulged in extra-marital affairs.

 A Google search for why celebrity men who cheat yielded 2,790,000 entries and of that, the first two pages were saturated with assumptions and theories as to why these men cheat. The point is that men cheat because they want to and they can. It is also believed that 75 percent of married men cheat.

Let’s consider the profiles of the women they are cheating with. Since the Tiger Woods scandal – there has been an increase of women entering my life coaching practice who are weary of being the “other woman,” but lack the personal courage to resist. Although there is no one size that fits all in terms of solutions to the plethora of women attracted to the power and success of these men, we have to question why they make themselves available.

Why High Profile Men?

In speaking with these women, the five reasons that were common among them were:

1. All the “good” men are taken

2. I may not get another chance at love

3. He gives me expensive gifts and trips

4. He said he is going to leave her for me

5. She doesn’t deserve him  

In this next section is a private interview of a woman and new client who is attached to dating high profile married men and has dated in excess of five relationships.

 Q: When did you first start dating married men and what was the situation?

A: He had all the major qualities that I like when selecting a man – he would surprise me with expensive gifts and lots of them, we were sexually compatible – he was financially supportive, there was such a strong physical attraction that it was unreal. However, I really didn’t know he was married until 13 months into the relationship. Maybe I did know but didn’t care. What I wanted I received.

Q: Do/did you ever consider the position of the wife?

 A: No because my position is that she must not be doing something right because he is pursuing me. He wants me; he sneaks around to be with me.

 Q: What is so attractive about dating married men?

A: It is like a cycle that becomes too irresistible to stop – I got into my second relationship trying to get out of the past relationship. I left a married man for the arms of another. They have a way of making you feel special, sexy and irresistible. I love the attention and the promise and the fantasy that true loves really exist – I just must be patient for it to work out for my complete benefit. The gifts and trips to me are like the engagement ring. It’s like a promissory note that we will be totally together soon.

 Q: Why high profile men?

A: It starts out like a school girl crush, in fact, the second time around it is much easier than the first experience. I went from admiring him and then became completely flattered because he was a high profile public figure. I also considered the life he was providing for his wife and family. I am very attracted to men who live like kings and then I think about the wife and get irritated because I truly believe she is unworthy and maybe ungrateful for the life she has been given. My dream is to live like that. I want to be able to live in my mansion and have my man take care of me. I want him to rescue me from my struggle of not being happy. Her life is the life I want to live.

Q: What are the complications?

A: No matter what I do – I still have to sleep alone most nights and deal with my own conscious replaying to me how empty and confused I am. I am in constant conflict because I can’t figure out what I can do so that I can be the wife. Trying to figure out if this is the day he is going to leave her for me. I stay so preoccupied that my work suffers; I stay mentally exhausted and obsessed with anxious thoughts. My life stays stagnated – I don’t increase no matter what I do.

On the other hand it makes me ever so vain and conscious of my image- I work out harder and more because I want my body to stay acceptable, I try to become more ambitious but at the end of the day depression is re-current presence underneath me keeping my nails, hair and body together. I am not doing it for me – I am doing it in hopes that my knight in shining armor will rescue me. Then I get angry because I don’t understand why I didn’t meet him first, why didn’t I get the chance to be the wife first.

Q: Why can’t you just stop and date men who are unattached?

A: As crazy as it sounds, it’s the same as being addicted to anything like drugs, food, gambling – when you get immersed in the culture it becomes what you know and habitually what you do. I wish like hell sometimes I could say no, but I don’t, because I always think it will be different this time. I tell myself, I can get away with it—this time it is going to be just dinner. This time I am not going to fall in love with him. This time we are just going to be friends. This time I am not going to break up the happy home but I truly hope that on the other side of the rainbow at the end of dinner it always moves right into the same thing – a relationship and we become soul bonded.

Q: Have you ever sought professional help for this issue?

 A: No, to get my mind off the issue or to build myself up between relationships – I will find myself trying to add extra-curricular activities to my schedule, I try to busy myself with work and I attempt to get in touch with my spiritual self – but all of these last short term. I can’t date without worrying about is this going to be my husband. I didn’t think what I engage in warrants professional help. The issue would be over with a proposal.

Q: How does the relationship usually dissolve?

A: I usually leave because the inner and external conflict becomes too heavy for me. For example: I begin to hate every time he has to go to his wife, when he has to make a phone call by stepping out of the room to talk to his wife. The sarcasm starts when he can’t be with me for long periods of time. Planning dates months in advance and then canceling because of the wife. Every time I have to attend something by myself. All of this is so stupid but it is a game and it’s the game that I am a part of. Initially, you never hear about the wife but as time goes on – she keeps coming up. It seems like once they get what they want – the dynamics change.

Q: Is this behavior something you would change if you understood how to?

A: Absolutely, I can’t sleep at night thinking of ways to leave him but at the same time I long for the text messages, the emails and his attention. I can’t wait to see what the next day in this adventure will bring.

Q: What would you say to the other women who are in a situation of being the other woman?
A: Don’t open Pandora’s Box – because you will ultimately end up writing a check that you can’t pay for later. It is truly like selling your soul to the devil and you have no control over it because what you want is wrapped up in the hansom financially fit package.

Q: What would you say to the wives of the men you are dating?

A: Wake up and do happy check-ups with your husband because when they are not truly happy with themselves – they are going to look for fulfillment on the outside. Don’t be so consumed with yourself – see what he is missing and help him get it. Because I do blame the wives and what you don’t do – I will!

Q: Do you feel addicted and compelled to date married men?
A: Yes, because I believe in success and I love successful men and I am attracted to their life and I want to be a part of it. I also believe it’s the competition to try to fight for the seat that I want to fill. The bottom line is I don’t get off hurting people and wrecking other peoples homes in fact there is a lot of remorse that comes after the devastation hits. However, the guilt of knowing that he prefers to be with me over his wife is enough to keep me in the relationship.

 Breaking Invisible Chains

A significant part of what I do as a life coach is help individuals who come to me feel comfortable with telling the truth. Also to feel comfortable with sharing their flaws and then after a serious of processes and exercises together, there is an inner illumination of what they really want. The answer appears directing the session to help them discover what will minimize the problem and Super-Size their happiness. Far to often, individuals believe focusing on healing the problem is the solution – I totally disagree; I work with my clients on focusing on their happiness and the happier and more fulfilled they are from the inside out – the addictions, the fears, the worry, the anxiety, the depression will often times then not disappear.  All of this is the very answer to breaking invisible chains.

Breaking Invisible Chains is a concept in my book that speaks to how to redesign your life so that you are free from the self-hatred, self-distraction and self-judgment that 50 percent was inherited, and the other 50 percent was learned through surroundings and or as a result of traumatic events that were not dealt with in a healthy way. For the sake of this article I want to share from Breaking Invisible Chains the principle and process of how to begin to get the help you desire when faced with these situations.

Super Soul Detox

 This is the process of healing and cleansing the soul of toxins and disease of the emotional self. It walks you through a shifting of a new inner paradigm to ultimately understand how to release psychological reversal or also known as self-sabotaging behaviors. In this case you could see from the interview the reoccurring theme is that all she really wanted was her reality of a successful man to be deeply in love with her, marry her and treat her like a queen. However, her actions and the habit to which she has adopted consistently give her the opposite. Based on the law of attraction, she is repelling what she wants every time she engages in the behavior that is proven to give her what she doesn’t want.

 Four strategies to help you minimize your problem:

 1. Sit reflectively and ask yourself the right questions so that your hidden dilemma of feeling powerless over your emotional appetite/pulse can be clear and addressed.

– Once you understand and can tell the truth as to why you do what you do, at the root- the easier it will be to dissolve the unwanted behavior and be precise in your personal plan for inner transformation. Digging up the root will provide cues and clues to redesigning the results.

 2. Learn to operate the power of right focus.
– Right focus will induce the ability to create in your life the alignment needed to say what you want, believe it’s your birthright to have it and the powerful ability to manifest it as well as embrace it once it happens.  This process trains the mind to pay no attention to what you don’t want to happen. This is a process of meditation because what ever you are obsessed over (the negative component of meditation) you will constantly recreate in your life.
3. Engage in a regular program of soul detoxification.
-A successful program will help you let go of feeling out of control, beguiled into doing things you don’t want, it will help you establish healthy boundaries, an accurate self-image and establish you in soul harmony so that you will no longer feel like something is missing or broken in your life. This is the process of ending the negative self-chatter.

 4. Don’t attempt this on your own.

-One of the major keys to breaking invisible chains is engaging the support, guidance and accountability of a coach, therapist or mentor. The Bible states in the book of Psalm the first chapter, (paraphrased) being accountable to someone with wisdom can keep your soul out of unnecessary suffering. Having someone who can hear and see the situation providing an alternate point-of-view benefits you by expanding your capacity to be deeply in touch with your motives and your personal truths. The more acquainted with your personal truth the more happy and free you will feel.

 Hell No! I’m Flattered, But You’re Married

Let’s stop acting shocked each time the media uncovers a story about a high profile man like Tiger Woods who made the conscious choice to disrespect his marriage vows. Pray for the strength of the wife and moreover, demonstrate intellectual empathy to the women who make themselves available for a fantasy that many of them were taught as a child. The Prince is coming to rescue Cinderella from her evil stepmother and step sisters. Unfortunately, as in this article, the Prince may be the high profile –married picture of success.

My plea is that women who find themselves in the situation, with the opportunity to date a married man, would consider the words of the woman in this interview and would introspectively understand the complications and conflict that will arise from the situation. Tiger Wood’s is not the only one who desires help and my final words to you as the potential other woman, when a man steps to you and you know he is married that you will make it a practice to say, “Hell No, I’m flattered but you’re married.”

Each time you do it – you will gain strength and increase your value as a woman. Who knows, just by saying no – you may be saying yes very soon to the real man of your dreams.

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